A Many-Body Problem

In physics, the many-body problem has to do with quantum mechanics and studying the effects of interaction in complex systems. In science politics, it sometimes refers to the problems scientist couples face when they try to follow their careers in science and at the same time keep their family together. It can be pretty darn difficult to find proper grants or tenures at the same time in the same area.

Our current situation is related to this problem. When we moved to the Netherlands four years ago, we were following my husband’s career in theoretical physics. He got a two-year postdoctoral position at the Technical University of Delft. I was at that time doing pretty well with my own career, which was in systems administration. I applied for a two-year leave, was granted that, and off we went to Delft.

After two years Henri tried to apply for positions back home in Finland but there were none available at the time. So he decided to continue in Delft, where his contract was extended with one year, and I decided to stay with him, at the same time waving bye bye to my own career. I then decided to try to make one of my dreams come true and applied to study photography at the Royal Academy of Art in The Hague, and to my complete surprise, was accepted.

One year passed and suddenly Henri did not have work in Delft anymore. He got a temporary position as a visiting professor at the university of Lund, Sweden, and went there “just for a little while”. Well, the little while ended up being a year, and during this year we’ve effectively lived separately, with him working in Lund and me following my studies in Delft.

Now the situation gets even more complicated. This month Henri’s job in Sweden will be done. He applied to continue his career in Finland, but that is still not going to happen. At the same time, I have applied to move my studies to universities either in Sweden or in Finland, as the strain of living separately (both emotionally and financially) is getting to be a bit too much. Well, the Swedish photoschool I applied to is not interested, and one of the Finnish ones invited me for the entrance exams, but again – Henri has no work in Finland, at least not in theoretical physics. So this seems to be the situation now:

1. Henri might have work in Sweden but I have no way to continue my studies there.

2. I might have a way to continue my studies in Finland but Henri has no work there.

3. If we stay in the Netherlands I can continue my studies here but Henri has no physics work here and we have no support mechanism as I am not eligible for study financing (being overage).

To make matters even more complicated, I effectively have to decide now, since the entrance exams to the possible Finnish universities take place on our individual evaluation week and our collective evaluation week. Which would mean that attending those entrance exams would screw up my otherwise pretty OK semester at the Royal Academy.

Whee.

Apparently I have a brain

I spent 1.5 weeks in Finland. First attending a funeral, then meeting my folks, then finally getting checked up because I got awfully, awfully sick and needed a doctor. I ended up getting the whole works: blood tests, urine samples, heart scans, brain scans… all kinds of stuff. At the moment the doctors think I may have 1) a thyroid problem 2) burnout. Wheeee….

Anyhow, this kind of self portraits you only get with medical assistance. I definitely will have to use this image for something…

Elina Brotherus

Lately I’ve been looking at Elina Brotherus’ work. I knew of her of course even before my photographic studies; she is one of the famous young Finnish photographers much lauded in the arts world now. I had not really looked at her work properly before, though.

This is called This is the first day. What it reminds me of is the small apartment I had in Kallio after I left my first fiance. I only took with me my mattress, which was on the floor, and my books. The place looks so similar I had to do a double take when I saw this photo. But maybe it’s also the mood. I don’t remember my first day in my apartment, but the mood of my first year there was .. well, what you see there.

I find Brotherus’ background interesting. She was a student of chemistry when she got started with photography and later finished her scientific studies and got an arts degree. I feel a kinship; I also come from a theoritical, even technical background, and have had to change my thinking and my way of observing after moving into the arts. Brotherus says,

“When I began studying photographic art in 1995, I was still in the middle of my university science studies. I was strongly resistant to investigating my own emotional life. When I finally finished my master’s dissertation in chemistry, I guess I was able to give up the scientific-analytical thinking required by that type of work and to concentrate on intuition and looking. This brought about a tremendous burst of creativity in me, especially since I suddenly had some free time, and it is that period that the first works that ended up in exhibitions come from. A lot of old issues came to the surface and I began digging into my own head, my own history.”

I‘ve also experienced what she is writing about – the strong resistance to investigating my own emotional life, and the need to stay detached – and have only lately gotten the feeling that I’ve moved forward from those standpoints and towards an ability to bring omething from inside myself into my work.

Brotherus’ series Suites francaises also reminds me of my early times in Holland. A new country, a new life, and a new language I do not understand. Her photographs show yellow post-it notes with French words tacked to everyday objects and herself somewhere in the picture, with a note or not..

February 2009

This is a self portrait really.

My grandfather is gone

My cousin Milena took this photo last summer when we celebrated Grandfather’s 80th birthday. I don’t remember why I did not photograph then.

This is the worst and the hardest part of living abroad. You think you still have time to spend time with your loved ones and suddenly…

And then you get the news and you sit in your apartment all alone 1600 km from your family and have no-one to talk to.

Grandfather’s funeral will be on the 24th of February, I will fly to Finland on the 21st.

When I was a kid in 1989 or so, I was – for a time – interested in photography for the first time. My grandfather loaned me his Russian SLR camera, a Petri or somesuch, and I tried to learn to work it on my own. Didn’t really succeed, though.. and then forgot about it. Grandfather himself had a huge collection of slides and photographs, family history.

This reads like a very disjointed blog entry.

September

September was a month of getting reacquainted with the Academy after the summer, with the Netherlands after spending two months away, and with life mostly alone after hanging with H and the relatives for most of the time. We began the new work/schoolyear apart, and that is how it will be for the whole year; H’s job is in Sweden, I am in the Netherlands and my friends and family are in Finland.

It will not be easy.

What small things happened in my life: I got new glasses after 10 years, planned a trip to Japan for November, followed the rocky start of the Large Hadron Collider in Cern, followed the American election battles and felt ashamed for Sarah Palin (a quote from someone wise: “…it’s as though there’s this massive blob of embarrassment that someone should be feeling but they’re not, so it attaches to you, the watcher. I could never watch “I Love Lucy” for this reason: Lucy wasn’t embarrassed, so by some sort of Law of Conservation of Shame, I had to be.”), watched the International Space Station pass over me, drank too much beer with the other foreign students and studied.

It was a weird month because I only read two books, The Complete Stories by Isaac Asimov (very good science fiction, but I for some reason never much cared for Asimov’s robotics) and Truth and Consequences by Alison Luria. I’ve noticed that my attention span is getting noticeably shorter; it is now easier for me to relax in front of the TV’s stupid sitcoms than by reading a good book. Worrisome.